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Friday, July 13th, 2007

Time:12:34 pm.
Mood: dirty.
every year on my birthday i think the same thing: "this year will be better."

going into 25, i have these things going for me:
-2022 records. woo.
-a credit score of 487. the range is from 400-800.
-no girlfriend. 2 years of barely "dating" anyone and i don't know how to do it anymore.
-a dead car that may have been towed away by now. i hope not.
-the begginnings of a drinking problem.
-a dead end job and another job that i love.
-fucking annoying spyware on my computer that i can't seem to get rid of!
-a ton of amazing, extraordinary friends that i wouldn't replace for the world.
-an incredible, loving, supportive, and caring family that i love more than anything.

i barely ever get anything done, i feel useless and stupid a lot, and i'm not sure that i am capable of ever being in an actual relationship again cause i'm too scared and freak out about it and i just become cold and distant. really, i'm a 12 year old trapped in this body, and i'm just as scared and irresponsible as that.

and at the same time, i've never been more excited to see what this year brings. fuck all you haters, i'm going straight to the top!
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, July 11th, 2006

Time:7:08 pm.
Mood: anxious.
so tonight at midnight i turn 24.

usually i go into my birthday thinking about how this is going to be "my" year.

this year i'm just hoping 24 doesn't suck as much as 23.

hooray for being jaded.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, June 4th, 2006

Time:2:36 am.
Mood: peaceful.
you know, it's pretty hard to have a crush on someone when you never get to see them.

damn it. maybe i need to get out more? or maybe someone else does...
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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Time:2:18 am.
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Monday, May 1st, 2006

Time:3:17 am.
Mood: sore.
since i have been done with school i have been at work.

i'm tired. it'd be nice to get away for like a year.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Thursday, April 20th, 2006

Time:3:18 am.
Mood: exanimate.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, April 9th, 2006

Time:3:52 am.
Mood: lonely.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Time:3:28 am.
Mood: lonely.
am i really a mean person?

have i really become that jaded?
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Friday, March 24th, 2006

Time:4:34 am.
Mood: drained.
i am a good person. i really am.
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Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006

Time:2:46 am.
Mood: distressed.
i just love it when $210 just disappears because of my fucking bank.

i am so fucking pissed right now.
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Monday, March 20th, 2006

Time:3:09 am.
Mood: grumpy.
i'm sick of this. this cough. this empty wallet. this empty bed.

fuck this.
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Sunday, February 26th, 2006

Time:2:22 am.
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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Time:11:23 pm.
Mood: cynical.
you know, i have a lot to be happy about.

but i'm really not at all.
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Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Time:3:04 am.
Mood: lonely.
that scent. you can't get it out of your nose. you wake up and it's there. you go to sleep and it's there. inescapably there, haunting your every breathe. you all know that smell; it's everywhere, and everyone has it. the smell of lonely nights spent yearning. the smell of dreams that faded and fell apart long after you let them. the smell of times past that you wish you had back. the smell of that one special person whom you just can't let go of, no matter how hard you try and how much you thought it had faded from your memory. smell is the longest retained memory; you forget that last. it's amazing what can trigger a memory, just walking into a room and smelling a faint scent of a certain brand of deoderant, or going to the grocery and stepping past the laundry aisle. you just can't forget it. it's inside of you, etched in both your brain and your nose.

the impasse of this is that the smell can be both wonderful and terrible. nothing is nicer than curling up in a warm blanket that smells like the one you love. the worst is curling up in that same blanket and suddenly being reminded that they aren't there and haven't been there for a long time. oh, sure, it's great for a second, but then you are just let down and you can't sit there wrapped up in the blanket cause you'll only stay frustrated. so what can you do? doing the laundry helps a bit, but the smell will always be there on some level. even when it's not there, your brain will create it if you let it stop and smell the roses of memory.

so how do you deal with this? do you get forlorn and sulk, sitting and wishing for that smell to come back, even though that you know it won't be followed by the origin of the memory? that's just it with memories, once they are gone, you can never get them back. it's just a memory, an ever fading photograph in your head, that every time you let go of it, it gets more faded and more obscured. but, if you just let it go, you will lose it forever, and some pictures, no matter how bad they are or how damaged, you just can't bear to let go of cause you just know you'll lose them forever. so what do you do? you tie the memory to a smell. you don't do this consciously, mind you. it just kind of happens.

the smell of a cigarette by the sunrise. the smell of fresh cut grass and a clean sheet that was dried in the sun. the smell of a stale room with bad circulation and a lot of dust. all these things have both great and terrible memorable connections. and there is no escaping them. your mind just knows this is a picture not to let go of, no matter how much you wish it could.
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Friday, January 27th, 2006

Time:4:50 am.
Mood: awake.
to combat laziness tomorrow i am staying up all night tonight.

great idea, dumbass.
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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Time:2:35 am.
Mood: exhausted.
so far 2006 has not sucked one bit. i dig that.

it's far from perfect, but damn it, i'll take it so far.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 2nd, 2006

Subject:now time for a mushy and gross novel about 2005
Time:3:08 am.
Mood: nostalgic.
well, it's a new year. yippee. i guess i need to do the year in review type thing... sure, why not.

jan: my car breaks down, my computer dies, and nothing else really awesome or interesting happens. meh.
feb: have a "no aids" party and try to just stay posi all month. nothing really happened too interesting.
march: another really boring month. start shredding again on a serious note.
april: break my wrist, meet a girl.
may: one of the best months i've had in a long ass time. all kinds of good, not much (if any) bad at all. didn't sleep a lot this month, did hang out all the time and was just generally happy.
june: the fest! tons of fun this month, though it did set the tone for a big upset near the end when i went bankrupt for a while.
july: my birthday and the events around it are awesome. todd dies. the events around the end of the month weren't so great.
august: never mind.
september: a new quarter, trying to get past august and partially succeeding.
october: another boring month, not a lot happened.
november: this month was all hangouts and fun. yes.
december: bittersweet. new and old friends move. money problems all month. but a good group of friends and some kickass times made this month just awesome.

so 2005, how will i miss you? i will miss the good times, the long nights spent talking and loving, the sitting with a group of people you love and care about and just shooting the shit or not saying anything at all. everyone around me was great, but real shout outs go to some specific and special people who made this year awesome and from keeping me sane when i needed it most:

evan, lindsey, ryan, robot lawson, and kevin merryman: i didn't know any of you all that well before 2005. i've spent more time with you guys this year than i did most people i know. you all rule in ways unbeknownst to most, which is a good thing cause if everyone knew i wouldn't get to hang out at all. thanks for being good friends when i needed it, providing me with hours of laugh and smiles. you rule a ton.

jimmy, bert, sweetheart boys, game night peeps, and the bad movie night crew: thanks a lot for being incentives for me to get out of the house once in a while, good people to know will be somewhere when you are going out to catch some friends, and awesome road trip buddies. much respek.

james: dude. what the shit? you're more than just my musical dopelganger, you're a good friend and the only person i would let go through a dollar bin before me. i better see a lot more of you this year!

tim and zac: what can i say but you be some trick ass niggas. thanks for living with me and working with me and playing with me. eww.

missie: thanks for keeping me awake for an entire month. you may have ruined my life, but did i ever thank you for it? miss you, kid.

nicki: we drifted unfortunately more than i wanted. but, you are still one of the more important people in my life and i do still care for you in ways i could never care about others. i miss you a lot, even though we both are just too lazy to pick up phones. this will change, hear?

kevin wehrle: you've been one of my best friends ever, my roommate, and my metaphysical teacher. i owe you so much. thank you for everything ever. sperm.

mr. mark d'artangnon freado: what to say. without you this year, i think i might have lost it. besides being one of the funniest and most loyal friends i've ever had, you have been an ear to listen to me babble and person i knew i could always turn to. you are one of my closest and best friends. thanks for that. now get me an m crib!

dkline: fuck. whatever i write here you already know, but i'll say it anyways. you are my best friend. when i couldn't turn to anyone else, you were there. when i needed someone to just sit around and watch movies cause i didn't want to be alone, you blew off others and hung around. you laugh at most of my stupid shit and put up with my lame and flakey ass more than anyone should. i appreciate it more than you know. i love you on a level way different than any normal friend, you're family. so don't fucking rag on me so much, you callous asshole! (right.)

todd: thank you for being a friend. i miss you so much.

lydia: i saved you for last cause like it or not, you affected me most this past year. you and i had some of the best times i've ever had with anyone. thanks for staying up with me all night all the time, for liking me, and for being my friend even after others wouldn't take the time to do so. i'll always love you, and i know you will always have a place for me too. just don't forget about those in ohio that care about you, and maybe even me. i hope you know you can come to me with any problem about anything. i miss you a lot.

if i didn't mention you, or you feel slighted, fuck off. this is my show motherfuckers! also, no diss was meant. this is all about love, and just cause your name isn't here doesn't mean you weren't important to me, just couldn't address everyone.

so what's in store for 2006? who fucking knows. i just hope that everyone who was important in 2005 stays close, if not become closer. i love you all. have a good night and don't hit me when you see me for being so goddamned emo.
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Thursday, December 29th, 2005

Time:10:32 pm.
Mood: calm.
2005 dropped me from a plane into a freefall.

hopefully 2006 will find me hitting the ground running.
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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005

Time:3:42 am.
Mood: indifferent.
i hate.

i love.

what's the difference?
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Sunday, December 18th, 2005

Time:1:56 am.
Mood: tired.
lately i have enjoyed living my life in daydreams way more than my actual life.

the lonely people are getting lonlier.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

LiveJournal for barney penis.

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